Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
The Real Fake News: Dozens Hospitalized With Giuliani Poisoning
ATLANTA, GA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is urging East Coast residents to avoid Rudolph Giuliani after an outbreak of...
Four Score & Seven Boners Ago
Fanfiction is a very broad term that encompasses all kinds of fantasy scenarios between characters, be they real or imagined. There’s gay Teen Wolf fanfic, Marvel Universe fanfic and reams of erotic scenarios...
A Sack of Shit for a Sack of Shit
Some ideas are so simple, so perfect that you can’t help but be mad at yourself for not thinking of it first. Sometimes it’s a new spin on an existing product—an innovation that elevates the mundane to new heights...
Long Story Short: How to Measure Your Penis
The way it’s debated, you’d think that dick size and the measurement thereof was akin to string theory and other hotly contested topics. But even particle physics is beholden to the facts. And so it is...
The Real Fake News: White House Announces “Snitches Get Stitches” Policy
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A White House increasingly in the grip of paranoia has issued a “Snitches Get Stitches” antileak policy, forcing staffers to...
Audio Porn: Hard of Hearing
Sometimes all it takes is a faint smell to trigger a reaction and inspire arousal. Similarly, take away one sense, and the others step in to process stimuli. When it comes to porn, we experience the content primarily by watching...
Sex Workers Vote!
To say that sex workers have had a rough couple of years would be the understatement of the century. Persecuted and scapegoated since the dawn of the trade itself, folks who choose to use their bodies as they see fit have never had a voice—until...
Boner Science
In the spirit of “masturbating will make you go blind” or the fabled “hairy palms” myth, “porn-induced erectile dysfunction” is the latest sexual bogeyman to haunt men who dare engage in the carnal twin sins of porn and self-love. Lucky...
The Politics of Porn
It’s common knowledge that our government is overrun by alien lizard monsters and political affiliations mean less as we march headlong into the New World Order. But insofar as porn preference, it’s curious to see how both parties lean when it...
The Real Fake News: Pence Heals Nation With Pizza Bagels
PITTSBURGH, PA—In the wake of the horrific violence at the Pittsburgh Tree of Life synagogue, Mike Pence made a pilgrimage to the Steel City in hopes of easing the nation’s pain. “In addition to...
Sex On the Beach
With dead bodies stacking up faster than Garfield eats lasagna, city officials in Guadalajara, Mexico, decided that it might be a good idea to focus less on enforcing public decency statutes and instead channel resources towards stemming a cartel...
Presidential Penises
In a think piece from September 2018, Guardian journalist Hadley Freeman asks the very important question of whether or not it’s okay to laugh at a penis—specifically the penis belonging to bloated autocrat Donald Trump, described by HUSTLER...
The Real Deal News: Climate Scientists Urge World to Freak the Fuck Out
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—The United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released a new report urging both world governments and...
Porn, The Great Equalizer
The grim truth of our reality is that we live in a world where Presidents pay off porn stars and no one bats an eyelash. So it’s a source of some comfort to see a similar turd of a human being get his comeuppance in the form of a giant...
Drive-Thru Sex
As if cuckoo clocks and chocolate weren’t enough of a contribution to global happiness, the Swiss have stepped up with a real third-act topper in the form of a safe and convenient solution for the sex work trade. Four words: drive-thru sex booths....
Celebrity Muff-Divers
DJ Khaled, that guy who will not stop shouting his name in every damn song, caused a bit of an uproar last spring when he casually declared on live radio that he does not partake in the eating of beaver. According to the rapper, there are...
The Real Fake News: Mueller Witch Hunt Uncovers Coven
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A year and a half into the Special Counsel investigation of Russia’s meddling in the 2016 Presidential election, Robert Mueller and his team have revealed the existence of a large coven of...
The Real Fake News: Miller Denies Santa Work Visa
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senior immigration policy adviser to President Trump, Stephen Miller, announced last week that Kris Kringle will not be given his usual Christmas Eve work visa to enter the United States....
Sasquatch Porn
Has Bigfoot erotica finally cracked the mainstream? This very specific literary genre was at the center of a political firestorm in July as Leslie Cockburn, a Democratic candidate for Virginia’s 5th Congressional District, outed her Republican...
68 Is the New 69
Mutual oral pleasure is great and all, but is 69ing really the be-all and end-all of sexual positions? Sometimes it’s almost too much, you know? Too hard to focus, too many distractions. So maybe try the 68 on for size—you may fall in love with...
Houston, We Have a Fuck Doll
Pranks, shenanigans, monkeyshines—they are the lifeblood of local news and the bane of cops everywhere. So it was a mixed blessing for media and law enforcement this summer when two Canadian men were arrested for releasing a...
Recycling Is Bad
You would assume that some things are so basic, so intuitive, so intrinsically linked to our very survival, they need not be explained: Don’t fight a bear, avoid drinking bleach, and never reuse a condom. Of course, some numbskull minority always...
